self

Every year I go through a phase of downtime right around the end of March, beginning of April. I try to figure out where I am and where I want to be. I ponder where I think I can go while I struggle with wanting to just sit and take a nap. I’ve read that our personal cycles renew every year at our birthdays, it’s a starting over point I guess –

I don’t know if this is a bio-rhythm thing or a moon and tide thing or something I made up completely and just think I read. I do know, however, that since I discovered the concept, this time of year has been easier for me to understand and accept – it no longer feels like a fog covered path. I don’t fight the down and up of the season anymore. Instead, I try to ride it out and come away with a new perspective on what I am doing and who I am.

I’m rediscovering the crafty me this year – I think. Instead of fighting for the need to work on websites or build new blogs vs the desire to color and glue and sew… I’m mixing the two. I’m allowing myself to be crafty and play with clay or buy new ribbon. I’ve been playing with designs for fabric and paper cutouts. I’ve realized that sometimes we can work at playing or we can play while we work… as long as I am being creative and the ideas keep flowing, I’m ok with whatever the project is.

Ultimately I would like to grow to the point that I don’t have to rediscover myself, but instead know who I am and merely reiterate where I want to be. For now, I’m happy with the adventure in it all. I’m enjoying meeting new people, thinking through new angles and trying out new paths. I’m especially excited about discovering areas I forgot I loved – and allowing myself the time to not only look into every window that I come across, but rediscover what sits inside.

What are you rediscovering about yourself?

Today I am the happy me. I think I am a 36 year old mother of 3, wife, daughter, sister… and the list of labels goes on. yet some days I get confused and find myself wondering who I really am. I wear so many different hats and walk with so many different circles, it’s often hard to know which one of those is me and which one others see me as. They’re all me, yet each is only a facet of a bigger “me picture”.

At this very moment I am blog girl. Later today I may be doodle chick or grouchy mama. I could be comforting friend or the whiney geek… I don’t know which, I’m not there yet, ask me in a few hours.

I know we all have varying emotions and mindsets. What really matters is who we are to ourselves. I have things I need to work on, and flaws I’d like to fix. I have issues I want to work out and things I want to improve. But I like me. I’m happy. I know, happy is not a who, obviously… unless of course I get to be a smurf or one of the 7 dwarfs. (SMurfs would be more fun, the cookie crumbs would last longer) The point is, there have been chunks of time in my life where I was not happy. I was searching and scrounging – maybe enjoying moments, but not really happy. I’m glad to be back to happy now.

Ever see the movie Savannah Smiles? I always wanted to be friends with that girl. Hang out with her and see what it’s like to be next to that kind of happy all day.

Stephanie Lichtenstein said “Deep down in their hearts people still love the same things they used to love when they were kids.” when talking about growing up. Thinking about this, I am finding that at this point in my life I am revisiting the same kind of happy like I was when I was a kid. I’m returning to my love for slurpees and Saturday morning cartoons. I’ve always liked to color and the smell of glue still triggers a smile in my mind. I’m not as worried about what people think of me as i was when I entered my “professional era”. I’m finding my way back to that “ok with who I am” place.

Young kids have this amazing ability to live life with a love for exploring and learning and just being themselves. Today I feel as though I am finding my way back to that mentality… without worrying as much about what “grownups” are supposed to be. I’m hoping that I’m working my way back to be able to say I’m that cute, happy girl in the red dress… again.

Side note. While searching for the video clip I discovered that the actress in the film died from an accidental drug overdose at age 21. Regardless of what turmoil she went through in that part of her life, her happiness is what I will always remember her by.